It’s the most wonderful time of the year – and you know what that means!
That’s right : snow!
As I sit writing this, the UK is slowly but surely being covered by billions and billions of tiny white flecks of snow. Naturally this means that, despite living in a country where this happens pretty much every year, every day life is brought to a standstill and the most sensible of people quake in fear at the idea of being forced to drive slightly more slowly on the roads. Madness!
As your view out of the window begins more and more to resemble Hoth, here’s a couple of survival tips for you to help you get out and about in these most troubling of times.
Ditch the car – get a tauntaun
Oh sure, your car may well have perfectly adequate heating. It may have four-wheel drive, leather seats and perhaps even a fancy cup-holder. But there’s one thing it doesn’t have, and that’s the capacity for love.
Tauntauns are the perfect means of transport in the icy wasteland the UK is fast becoming; they’re warm, fluffy and (mostly) capable of withstanding ridiculously low temperatures. Plus they snort encouragingly when you’re having difficulty finding your lost companions. And, of course, they won’t think twice about laying down their lives for your preservation and warmth. Sure, they smell bad inside and out, but that’ll probably clear up if you hang a pine-scented freshener around their neck.
Wrap up warm? Nah – pilot a mech
Ok, so you’re too attached to your vehicle to swap it for a loving flesh-and-blood ride. Fair enough. But one thing that Anime has taught us is that everything is better with giant robots, so why should this situation be any different? Consider the advantages – while everyone else is sat in gridlocked traffic, wearing three layers of clothing and cursing the poor town planning that’s led to jammed roads as far as the eye can see, you’ll literally be striding ahead of them. And as for accessories, if you think the cup-holder’s a swanky feature, how about heat-seeking missiles? Giant beam-swords? Fuzzy dice that transform into robot sidekicks? The possibilities are limitless.
Pack a phaser, lightsaber, plasma rifle – any kind of weapon, really
You might think this is a bit of an overreaction, but having seen The Day of Tomorrow I can safely assume that the zoos will open and England’s cities will be overrun with wild animals. Well, the cities that have zoos will be. If the animals don’t freeze first. Still, you can never be too careful – if you do decide to take your car out instead of a tauntaun or mech (you rash fool) then you’ll doubtless be set upon by fellow commuters who have turned feral due to the lack of warmth and comfort. They will likely be trying to steal your dashboard cigarette lighter to provide warmth, or perhaps your CDs out of your glove compartment if they’ve mistakenly left the house with nothing but a handful of Eminem albums (which would be enough to turn anyone feral). We can assume that in this terrible harsh climate of chilly fear, post-apocalyptic survival rules apply. Make your in-car snacks last!
Too cold for ice-cream – eat Space Food instead
Speaking of food, you might get a craving for ice-cream while you’re staring at the soft white snow that’s inexorably burying you and your car alive in an icy seasonal tomb. But eating an ice-lolly now would bring your core temperature down, which would SURELY be fatal in these circumstances. You need to conserve your body temperature! In this case, you could probably do worse than to invest in some freeze-dried ice-cream, which is neither cold nor wet. When eaten with a Soylent Green sandwich and a Romulan Ale, it should make for quite a filling meal. Hopefully it won’t be your last!
So there you have it. In all seriousness, stay safe on the roads out there, and please remember to feed your tauntauns well, or they’ll freeze before you hit the first junction on your route home. In which case, I’ll see you in hell!