50 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Watching The Return of the King


1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?”

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: “The Ring.”

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson.”

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and re-enact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”

11. Every time Elrond appears, shout out (in your best ‘Dobby’ voice) “Clothes! Master gave Elrond Clothes!”

12. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”

13. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

14. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”

15. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

16. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

17. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

18. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, “I see dead people!”

19. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

20. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

21. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

22. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, “Man! Charlotte’s really let herself go!”

23. Ask why the Ewoks didn’t appear to defend the city.

24. After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”

25. Don’t blow your nose when Shelob paralyses Frodo.

27. When Shelob appears and chases Frodo do not yell where’s the freaking flying car.

26. When a hobbit comes on screen don’t say “It’s a Umpa Lumpa!” and start singing.

27. When Shelob appears and chases Frodo do not yell where’s the freaking flying car.

28. When the Orcs are crushed by pieces of Minas Tirith do not do your best roadrunner impression.

29. When Saruman gives his speech in TTT about the ending of men do not ask your friends where the Wicker Man has gone.

30. When the fight between the Dead King and a certain Rohan solider occurs and he says no man can kill me do not stand up and quote the death scene from Macbeth, please (I was tempted to do this for a nano second).

31. When the film is ending do not start the following “The Babylon project was our last best hope for peace…” or ask where is Sheridan in all this wasn’t he supposed to be there.

32. While watching the Fellowship of the Ring don’t ask why Sharpe didn’t just use his gun.

33. When Frodo is on screen do not ask where the giant pink rabbit is.

34. At the beginning of the movie stand up and yell, “Middle Earth needs me!” and walk up to the front of the theatre and try to walk into the screen. When that does not work act like nothing happened and get back into your seat.

35. Cry when Sauron is defeated.

36. After the movie ends, start a debate on how they’ll bring back Gandalf & Frodo for the 4th Lord of the Rings movie…

37. When Bilbo changes when he sees the Ring in Rivendell do not yell I thought it came out of his stomach.

38. Then shout  “Oh that’s right he was the other one.”

39. Do not leave the cinema with the idea of buy various Rings for friends and family in order to dominate them.

40. Do not steal your parents’ wedding bands and cast them into the fire at home, it won’t go down well.

41. When Wormtongue is talking to Eowyn do not start yelling “place the lotion in the basket!” People do make mistakes on who an actor is.

42. When Orcs appear on screen do not pull out your replica Legolas bow and arrows and start shooting them.

43. Don’t try to warn Frodo that Gandalf is in fact, the evil Magneto and will kill him.

44. Do not tell Frodo and Sam that if he pulls out the plug on the computer that Gollum will disappear and he will be left with a bloke in a stupid white suit.

45. When any of the Hobbits appear do not start signing the Right Said Fred song your my mate.

46. When Elrond starts to talk, do not start signing the Score from Pricilla Queen of the Desert that’s the way Elves dress.

47. Don’t tell Sauron that Legolas really is a pirate and that Johnny Depp is secretly helping him.

48. Don’t mention the scene where Gandalf is riding his horse and knocks 12 hobbits over the cliff with his Staff. (Deleted scene)

49. Don’t talk about the 842 takes of the oliphaunt scenes in which Legolas usually missed and once hit himself in the foot.

50. Don’t stand up in the middle of the Eowyn vs. The witch king fight and shout – “USE THE CHAIR, THE CHAIR!”

Compiled by:
Chris McQuillan,
William Flynn (All Items With Poor Spelling And Grammar),
Eire’s Companion Protector,

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